“What are you auditioning for the lead in a Matchbox Twenty video?” - My shithead brother
I don’t consider myself to be a fashionista by any means. I go to Kohl’s or CVS and see what fits me and as long as it isn’t horribly ugly, I’ll wear it. However, it doesn’t take an expert to be familiar with the concept that fashion trends go through a 20 year cycle of going in and out of style.
Take chokers for example: Chokers were huge in the 90s; so huge that rapper Big Boi of Outkast stated that he was “Tired of hoes in chokers,” on the song “Two Dope Boyz (In A Cadillac).” Naturally, chokers phased themselves out, and unless you were a freak pervert, you traded in your choker for pair of Juicy Couture sweats. Flash forward 20 years, and chokers are huge again. Even small children wear chokers, entirely neglecting the sexual connotation that they so glaringly present.
A few years ago, I read a convincing piece in Vogue that highlighted this pattern of the 20-year cycle that nearly all fashion trends follow. After being totally sold on the concept, I thought back to arguably the coolest trend of the 90s: Puka shell necklaces. I immediately ordered four different puka shell necklaces from Amazon and I got ready to be part of their return.
I started wearing the shells to family events, thinking I would ease myself into the return of the puka necklace. Almost immediately, my older brother Matthew, the shit-head that he is, started giving me a hard time. “What are you auditioning for the lead in a Matchbox Twenty video?,” he would say. I’d laugh to myself, with an immense faith that puka shells would make their return, and I would finally win the respect of my older brother when he realized that I was ahead of the game.
The shells began to make their way into my daily wardrobe, as I began to get more and more comfortable with the idea that I was at the front of what was to become one of the biggest fashion comebacks of all time. The ridicule from my older brother became more and more grueling, but I learned to take it. “Don’t you have Reel Big Fish cover band practice?,” he’d say. I would nod and keep my head down. Once he even said “I’m so proud of you…” and I got my hopes up, only to hear him finish his sentence by saying “…For getting the role of douchebag extra #3 In Blue Crush”
I’m fine with taking a little shit every now and then from my older brother, especially when I know that the payoff is coming down the road. With that being said, it has been almost a full calendar year since I read that Vogue article and ordered my shells. The question begs to be asked: when they hell are these things going to make their comeback? If what Vogue said is true, and fashion trends repeat themselves every 20 years, why the hell do I still get endlessly ridiculed by my older brother Matthew?
If I’m being honest, the only thing keeping me from taking these things off for good is the fact that I spend upwards of $100 on each one. It seems expensive yeah, but when I bought them, I was under the impression that this was going to be the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Well guess what, it hasn’t. I'm out close to $400 dollars, and I’m getting made fun of way more.
What the hell Vogue?
I’ll keep hanging on, but I’m not sure how much more I can take.
Anyway, thank you for reading.