He was 28 years old.
Well, it’s a sad day to be a bridge. News came early today that Jamison Dermott, the Newton, MA resident famous for kissing bridges, has been killed in a drone strike. Jamison rose to prominence last year when he traveled across the United States and kissed every bridge he came into contact with. Jamison gained notoriety for his bridge-kissing after press outlets such as Buzzfeed, the New York Times, and Vogue ran feature length stories on him. Unfortunately, the only feature he will be getting now, is an obituary, as he is dead after being killed in a drone strike.
“It was just like any other morning,” said Jamison’s roommate Max. “Jamison woke up, put on his red sweater with ‘Bridge Man’ in cursive written across it, put on his trademark khaki shorts, his Teva sandals, and combed his hair into his normal perfectly permed coif. He left the house holding a large grapefruit and said his morning catchphrase, ‘Well, off to kiss the bridges with my lips and tongue.’ I can’t believe he’s gone.”
Sources say that the drone strike that ended the Jamison’s life was a simple routing error that was traced directly back to the CIA’s headquarters in Virginia. “Yeah, unfortunately that drone was meant to hit an ISIS compound just outside Aleppo,” said CIA spokeswoman Sarah Clemons, “Somehow, and for the life of me I can’t figure out how it happened, the missile was re-routed to the Longfellow Bridge in Boston. It was a 1 in a billion mistake, and it sure as hell will not happen again.”
Memorial services for Jamison will be held on bridges nationwide. Those in mourning are encouraged to wear Jamison’s signature lipstick, Revlon Super Lustrous in Pink Truffle, and embrace their local bridge with Jamison’s signature catchphrase, “Awww baby, havin' a hard day? Lots of traffic? C’mere, baby.”
by James Murtagh // @jamesmurtagh