The time for peace may be coming sooner than expected.
A Rochester, NY man proclaimed earlier today that he will solve the crisis in Syria and possibly the crises in its surrounding nations as soon as he gets laid, or in his words, "Gets a nut out."
The 25-year-old man, Andrew Barnhardt, claims to be well-versed in the history of conflict in the Middle East and proved as much by providing us with a photocopy of a GED and a book report on Dune that he wrote in the 10th grade.
He also mentioned that he "Loves middle eastern women" several times via text and out loud.
"Yeah, like, I'm pretty sure I could figure out the whole thing over there. But, also, I'm horny as hell and I can't think straight until I get that nut," said Barnhardt during his shift at a Stewart's gas station mini-mart. "But alls you really need to do is kill a few of their leaders then everyone will be free and it'll be fine. Do you want anything besides this mood ring, man? There's people behind you."
At press time, the crisis in Syria continues to fester, suggesting that either Barnhardt was lying about his promises or that he hasn't gotten his nut yet. Both of which are sad.
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