Ok, here we go:
Richard: Mid-40s with thinning hair, I don’t see my neighbor Richard to be much of threat. Though he is “sensitive” and a huge contributor to the community theater that my wife loves. They are probably hooking up but I assume it’s just a pity thing, so I’m moderately fine with it.
Garee: For some reason Garee, my wife’s personal trainer, spells his name with two “e”s. He’s also a professional wine taster and is more than definitely having sex with her on multiple occasions. I’m very much not ok with him and my wife having sex but I’m not my wife and I don’t get to choose who she would want to cheat on me with.
Chad Baxter: My best friend from childhood, Chad Baxter, and I have been through more adventures than the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew combined. If him and my wife happen to have shared a night of passion, so be it. We all make mistakes. I love Chad and my wife in different but equal ways.
Parsnip: Parsnip is our pool boy and at the spry age of 18 there is no doubt in my mind that my wife is all over his toned and hairless body, more than likely hooking up in our pool before our kids get home from camp. I kind of like Parsnip as a person and we both love the Reds but I’ll be damned if he’s having sex with my wife. I’m only kind of ok with this.
My Dad: My own flesh and blood and also worst enemy on this Earth, it is absolutely not ok that my wife might be making hanky panky with my father. Of course my dad looks a lot like me and therefore would be an easier transition for her if she wanted to have an extramarital affair, but that doesn’t make this anymore ethical on her part! A big fat NOT OK for this one.
Joel McHale From “The Soup”: My wife and I love watching reruns of the cancelled-before-its-time gossip show “The Soup.” I enjoy it for the witty banter and mid-2000s pop culture commentary but I’m a little skeptical that my wife might be watching it because she is also sleeping with Joel McHale. I would be ok with this.
Mr. Clean: Who wouldn’t fuck fictional cleaning product salesman Mr. Clean? I believe in God and the ability to want something so bad that it manifests before you which is how I suspect my wife and Mr. Clean would have met if they are currently fucking. Mr. Clean looks vaguely like my father in an uncomfortable way so I will have to sadly tell my wife I am NOT ok with this metaphysical miracle.
Re-animated Corpse of Tony Scott: This nation lost a hero in 2012 when Tony Scott sadly passed away. That’s why if my wife were to be making passionate love to his re-animated corpse I’d have to cut my losses and give it a pass. You just can’t say no to having the genius behind Top Gun and Red October back in the lexicon.
Me: I would be very ok if my wife and I were secretly hooking up behind my own back. I often joke that my day and night personas resemble a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” dynamic, so it wouldn’t surprise me if one of my personas happened to be keeping all the fun and games to himself! Throw me a bone will ya? Just kidding, happy that the relationship is going strong!
by Patrick Vermillion // @pvermillions