If you're a frequent Off The Horn visitor, you probably remember this piece we ran on how to crush your UCB Maude audition. Unfortunately, nothing in showbiz is ever set in stone, so there's a solid chance you failed miserably and got an email from artistic director Shannon O'Neil telling you to either give up on your dreams or kill yourself.
The good news is that UCB is just one of many options you have when it comes to getting involved in sketch comedy. The bad news is that your process of UCB failure has just began. Here is what to expect when you fail your Maude audition:
1. Donald Glover will call your phone and leave a voicemail explaining how he got his start at UCB and then tell you that now he's an Emmy winner
He's going to lecture you and tell you that if you haven't won an Emmy yet, you're a huge loser.
2. Amy Poehler will send you an invoice for $450.
Auditioning ain't free baby!
3. Chris Gethard will mail you a 30-day supply of Zoloft
Rejection is depressing. No one knows depression more than this guy! Luckily he's willing to share the solution with you.
4. Matt Besser will come to your house and beat the shit out of you with his hands
This one is a little crazy, but hey, that's just the UCB way!
5. The next time you go to see a UCB show, the person taking your ticket will call you a nerd
It's embarrassing, but everyone has to go through it.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Read this list over and get ready for the fallout. You will make it through this.