A few weeks ago, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre announced their Fall 2017 Maude team auditions. Although the auditions don’t start until mid-September, there is quite a bit of work you can do to make sure that you absolutely nail your audition and get placed on a Maude team.
Here are seven tips to crushing your audition:
1. Take off your shoes before entering the audition room
Nothing says “I respect this institution” like taking off your footwear and walking around the room barefoot. We recommend that you do not wear socks, but if you must, take those off before the audition as well.
2. Put at least $5 in Amy Poehler’s tip jar before leaving the training center
One of the first things you’ll notice when you walk into the training center on audition day is an empty water cooler jug labeled “Amy’s Tip Vessel.” This jug will be filled with coins and single dollar bills. Almost everyone throws a little something in there, but you can stand out by throwing in a 5 dollar bill. Make sure you write your name on the bill before putting it in, so they know with absolute certainty that it was you.
3. Spray cologne on your headshot
What’s that smell? Is that the Abercrombie & Fitch store down the block? Nope! It’s your headshot. Drench your headshot in cologne. Like, a lot of cologne. So much cologne that they vividly remember your name and face every time they smell cologne going forward.
4. Offer to pay for the audition panelists’ travel
The city is expensive, there’s just no way around it. What better way to say “I care about you and your finances” than offering to pay for the panelists’ travel? Ideally you will have extra cash left over from Amy’s tip-jar, but worst case scenario, you can always frisbee-throw a MetroCard at the panelists’ table. Just make sure you say “Rock On!” when you do it.
5. Have a friend call you and pretend that he’s Matt Besser, and then say “Not now Besser.”
Sure, show-business is all about ‘who you know.’ But what if you don’t know anyone? Simple solution: lie about it. Have your friend call you a few minutes into your audition pretending to be Matt Besser. Before committing to this plan, make sure that you replace your friend’s contact information with ‘Matty Bess.’ This will make the panelists think that you and Matt Besser are close enough to have nicknames for each other. Also, make sure to set a really cool ringtone for when they call, something like “Axel F” by Crazy Frog. When they call, pick up and immediately say “Not now Besser.” This will show the panelists that you value their time. Bonus points if you have a flip-phone and snap it in half after hanging up.
6. Spit on the floor and immediately say “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Just take our word on this one. It’s what they’re looking for.
7. Say “End scene” after introducing yourself.
The reality is, there are going to be a ton of equally talented individuals auditioning for Maude teams this year. Talent, however, is not all it takes. Being on a Maude team requires knowing exactly how show-business works. By saying “End scene” right after introducing yourself, you can prove that you know that “End scene” is a phrase they sometimes say in show-biz.
Well, there it is. That’s everything you need to know to absolutely crush your audition.
We hope you enjoyed reading, and good luck!