We obsessed over and raved about the love-at-first-sight romance of Cinderella and her husband, named by a mother devoid of any affection or creativity, Charming. A rags-to-riches story so driven by love that they didn't even sign a prenup! Royal insiders inform us that maybe that upward mobility was driven by lust instead. Whatever the cause, it wasn't strong enough to keep them together, and the couple is now going forward with their previously announced divorce proceedings and dividing their belongings. The surprising center of the conflict? One glass stiletto, of the extremely limited edition Louboutin hand-blown collection. She claims it's hers, he claims that he took ownership when she left it on the stairwell at his creepy ABC's The Bachelor-esque matchmaking ball. Neither are making claim to Ella's senile godmother.
Belle and the Beast:
Despite the romantic honeymoon to Stockholm, an homage to the syndrome used to brainwash Belle into marrying an impeccably dressed bear, this unexpected marriage has expectedly ended. You can't spend two decades as a beast and not retain a little DNA mutation! The children are grotesque in appearance, infertile, and covered in fur. Belle, always the kind heart of the pair, wants to raise them with love as children. The former-beast would like to keep all reminders of his old life as locked away as he once kept Belle and his possessed cutlery--he would prefer to keep them as pets or donate them to the local animal shelter. Apparently their love was only strong enough to transform him externally. He's still a huge dick on the inside.
It was pretty shocking to find out that Aurora was put to sleep for a century by an astonishingly petty witch, and even more shocking to learn she didn't use any eye creams during during her thorny imprisonment yet still looks 16, but the most shocking secret of all to come out of that messy palace is that King Philip, formerly known as Prince, impregnated Aurora with the twins while she was still conked out. It seems as though the decade long comedown of the century long drug-nap is done, because Aurora has come to her senses and just this morning filed for divorce. Even if it's only in a fairy tale, it's nice to know that at least one man is being held account for rape. Here's hoping for two by next year!