Lock your doors, turn out the lights, get in the bathroom, and pray.
The NYPD has just confirmed that Billy Crystal has escaped from the Central Park Zoo. “We don’t know what happened,” said Officer Pat O’Malley, “But he got out and he's angry and we’re all fucked. We’re all absolutely fucked to hell.”
Crystal had been locked inside the Central Park Zoo since 1992, spending his days eating salt packets and drinking seltzer while screaming to be let out. Of course, for the safety of the public, no one let him out.
While several attempts have been made by Crystal to escape in the past, he has never been successful. Detectives on the scene found a note (seemingly scribbled by Crystal) that read, “Enough is enough. I must find the son of a bitch that killed Robin Williams.” Crystal was last scene heaving barrels of dynamite onto a wooden bridge in New Paltz, NY to ward off the chase.